No Human Power

     Today, I finished my first semester at Palomar Community College. I took my final and before walking out of class, received my graded essay that I had turned in the week before. The teacher looked down at the paper before handing it to me, "great job" she said and it took a moment for the 100/100 to hit me. From the beginning of the semester I have completed all the projects, exams, assignments that were required with A's or B's and only missed two days of class. I say this not to boast or pat myself on the back but, to emphasize and boast in Jesus and the drastic change he has done in me since this time last year. 
     This time last year I was very active in my alcohol addiction. Hopes  and dreams were something that I may have been able to take one step towards but, quickly took the backseat when it was rivaled with the loyalty I had to drinking. This loyalty was a one way street as I gave my interest, money and time to alcohol, and alcohol was the master of taking. Not only those things for-mentioned but, most damaging, it took control of my mind heart and mind. I didn't have a high self image and feeling of accomplishment as it was and any trace that did exist vanished pretty quickly. 
     Though alcohol certainly heightened my dissatisfaction with self, it was not the root cause. Since a very young age, I have had trouble finishing tasks, sticking to sports or clubs, and giving 100% at any given time. I have recently realized that this is in part due to my fear of failure (common human trait, I know) and perfectionism. When faced with the future and long term goals or commitments I find myself overly confident and start building the vision of what said commitment look like in my head. However, once rubber hits the road, I feel I am standing in front of not only a fork in the road but a drawer full of forks and some cocktail weenie size forks every now and then and I have to choose the right one or else everything is doomed from the get-go. One example is blogging, I have started and stopped blogging on at least 5 occasions in the past couple years, even proclaiming on a couple instances that "this is it! this time, I will commit!" only to let my mind over think and my attention fade away. This lack of confidence in direction or refusal to even choose a direction has made me, on multiple occasions, back out, quit, scrap whatever it was that I was at one time so sure and confident about and school has been no exception. 
     This leads me to the reason I am writing this. I have tried in my own human power again, and again, (continue "agains" for about 2 hours) to stick to or finish things such as a semester of school in the past and sure enough, made a mountain out of a molehill and quit. My point is, I did not just finish a semester of college, I did above and beyond what I had even thought I could do. Group projects made me incredibly nervous: we got 98/100. Exams which I have been awful at before especially critical thinking exams which are even worse for me: 88% first exam, 93% second exam. Essay, I have always struggled in English and keeping to the topic in school, now: 100%. This has not been me, people. Yes, I showed up for class, yes, I studied and did my work but, nothing in me, humanly, has stuck it out and finished like this before. This is one of those moments not only in my Christian life but in life in general that all signs point to God and grounds me even more in not only the redemption that God has given me from the life I had before but, the promise that he will not leave me where he found me. 
     I finish with this, There are times in life when I have been able to recognize  blessings or felt comfort in Bible stories and others' testimonies but, this is a personal experience that God has manifested himself through and when even the most eloquent and beautiful words cannot express what was once a distant knowledge has turned into the humbling and powerful realization of God's furious love for me. I broke down in tears on the way home after receiving my graded essay back from the impact of not only my grade but what it represented. At the risk of sounding corny, I experienced the best high, the best buzz and euphoria from God's grace today than I ever had in my alcoholism. I do not say that to add any kind of fluff or neat sounding high notes to this post but as a genuine, honest and non exaggerated heaviness that God's grace is capable of, and what I got was just a glimpse!  I will remember these experiences God gives me the privilege of having whenever I start to think my ways or my will and old life is tempting me or things get hard and I feel the urge to walk away,it gives me a new appreciation for Simon Peter says to Jesus in John 6:68..."Lord, where else will I go?"

⁶⁶ From that time many of His disciples went back and walked with Him no more. ⁶⁷ Then Jesus said to the twelve, “Do you also want to go away?”

⁶⁸ But Simon Peter answered Him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? YOU have the words of eternal life. ⁶⁹ Also we have come to believe and know that You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.”^[i]