You are Beautiful...Even When You Think Your Butt Tells You Otherwise

     I recently came across a photo on Facebook that a male friend had liked(verb). There was one comment from another girl giving her approval to say the least writing "Love it!". The picture was posted by a friend of his and I noticed his friend's privacy setting does not allow unknown Facebookers to comment or like..This is a shame because I was about to rubber neck, finger snap in Z formation my opinion the heck out of that picture! I decided to save my comment and get this off my chest as a post on my blog. These things always end up working out don't they? At the bottom of this post is the picture I am referring to if you would like to check it out.
     If I understand correctly, the nature of the photo is to get across that having a big butt, especially one that has been worked on due to exercising is a good thing, empowering, blah, blah, blah. Let me say, I am not a big butt hater. If I am going to be completely transparent about it,I wish I had a big butt! A butt that, as the ad describes, "round and like the letter c". 
I find it strange, and annoying quite frankly, how the J.Los, Beyonces, Kim K.s, and woman in this ad, are thin, slender and pretty toned yet, because of their lower body parts which they had no part in developing (try as hard as you want ladies, working out will not give you a back bump like J.Lo's) they are considered not just a new kind of beauty but, a beauty that if you don't have as a female then somehow your body is not as noteworthy, important, valuable. Don't get me wrong, I do believe they are beautiful women and have beautiful bodies. The problem is, this "big butt movement" as I am calling it, isn't born of a humble place of showing all women that they and their bodies are beautiful, it developed from a defensive response as it seems, to the "model thin" movement. 
     I grew up struggling with my weight. I was a pretty lean kid until I hit fourth or fifth grade. I got in shape as a freshman but after going to a different school, I put on the weight and maxed out at 210 lbs until I decided to make a change. I could go on with details but, I'll stick to the point. In my adult life I have been overweight, slender, and even toned (for about a month). I have never had the trunks or butt that those women mentioned before have. Does this make me less of a admirable woman physically speaking? 
     This post is not to support and defend a certain body type and it is not to bash or critique a different body type. This post is to widen the gap of beautiful to all of us. Thin girls with big butts, big girls with flat butts, big girls with big butts, thin girls with flat butts, tall girls, short girls, medium height and every mix in between! As human women, for the majority if not all of us, it's as natural as breathing to compare ourselves to other women which is why these body promotions about only curvy is beautiful or only slim is beautiful is so dangerous. I understand that every ad can't logically have every single different body type in every single ad and I am not even saying that the women in ads need to change (that is a whole other battle in and of itself.) What I am saying is don't fall for ad's or gimmicks that as a female you have to attain a certain type of body or physical attribute especially ones that you may not even be able to produce. If you have healthy body goals more power to you, I do not mean to stifle you about having healthy goals. I do however, stifle you from clinging to an image that you think will make you of more worth than you already are. As Dr. Seuss said "today you are you, that is truer than true, there is no one alive that is you-er than you!" Be you and be a proud representative!

Oh Happy Day

     Today was filled was an adventure. My morning started off with a trip to Murrieta to visit a long time friend that I had not seen in a while and her 16 month old, who is the most adorable little girl. I only got to visit for a couple hours and that little girl already had me wrapped around her little finger! I have been blessed by that little angel's mommy.
    After I left Murrieta, I headed to Oceanside to my new "mini job". Sure it's Monday-Friday but, only a couple of hours and I get to clean up and play with two mini greyhound puppies :) I am so thankful to my cousin for this job. This has just been another gift from God. There is no doubt about it.   
     When I got home, I noticed I received a piece of mail. It was from Palomar College, I already got my Summer parking pass! I could not have been more excited if it was a $100 bill. 
     I will end my night with my new book on Van Gogh and a sweet reunion with my pillow!

     

No Human Power

     Today, I finished my first semester at Palomar Community College. I took my final and before walking out of class, received my graded essay that I had turned in the week before. The teacher looked down at the paper before handing it to me, "great job" she said and it took a moment for the 100/100 to hit me. From the beginning of the semester I have completed all the projects, exams, assignments that were required with A's or B's and only missed two days of class. I say this not to boast or pat myself on the back but, to emphasize and boast in Jesus and the drastic change he has done in me since this time last year. 
     This time last year I was very active in my alcohol addiction. Hopes  and dreams were something that I may have been able to take one step towards but, quickly took the backseat when it was rivaled with the loyalty I had to drinking. This loyalty was a one way street as I gave my interest, money and time to alcohol, and alcohol was the master of taking. Not only those things for-mentioned but, most damaging, it took control of my mind heart and mind. I didn't have a high self image and feeling of accomplishment as it was and any trace that did exist vanished pretty quickly. 
     Though alcohol certainly heightened my dissatisfaction with self, it was not the root cause. Since a very young age, I have had trouble finishing tasks, sticking to sports or clubs, and giving 100% at any given time. I have recently realized that this is in part due to my fear of failure (common human trait, I know) and perfectionism. When faced with the future and long term goals or commitments I find myself overly confident and start building the vision of what said commitment look like in my head. However, once rubber hits the road, I feel I am standing in front of not only a fork in the road but a drawer full of forks and some cocktail weenie size forks every now and then and I have to choose the right one or else everything is doomed from the get-go. One example is blogging, I have started and stopped blogging on at least 5 occasions in the past couple years, even proclaiming on a couple instances that "this is it! this time, I will commit!" only to let my mind over think and my attention fade away. This lack of confidence in direction or refusal to even choose a direction has made me, on multiple occasions, back out, quit, scrap whatever it was that I was at one time so sure and confident about and school has been no exception. 
     This leads me to the reason I am writing this. I have tried in my own human power again, and again, (continue "agains" for about 2 hours) to stick to or finish things such as a semester of school in the past and sure enough, made a mountain out of a molehill and quit. My point is, I did not just finish a semester of college, I did above and beyond what I had even thought I could do. Group projects made me incredibly nervous: we got 98/100. Exams which I have been awful at before especially critical thinking exams which are even worse for me: 88% first exam, 93% second exam. Essay, I have always struggled in English and keeping to the topic in school, now: 100%. This has not been me, people. Yes, I showed up for class, yes, I studied and did my work but, nothing in me, humanly, has stuck it out and finished like this before. This is one of those moments not only in my Christian life but in life in general that all signs point to God and grounds me even more in not only the redemption that God has given me from the life I had before but, the promise that he will not leave me where he found me. 
     I finish with this, There are times in life when I have been able to recognize  blessings or felt comfort in Bible stories and others' testimonies but, this is a personal experience that God has manifested himself through and when even the most eloquent and beautiful words cannot express what was once a distant knowledge has turned into the humbling and powerful realization of God's furious love for me. I broke down in tears on the way home after receiving my graded essay back from the impact of not only my grade but what it represented. At the risk of sounding corny, I experienced the best high, the best buzz and euphoria from God's grace today than I ever had in my alcoholism. I do not say that to add any kind of fluff or neat sounding high notes to this post but as a genuine, honest and non exaggerated heaviness that God's grace is capable of, and what I got was just a glimpse!  I will remember these experiences God gives me the privilege of having whenever I start to think my ways or my will and old life is tempting me or things get hard and I feel the urge to walk away,it gives me a new appreciation for Simon Peter says to Jesus in John 6:68..."Lord, where else will I go?"

⁶⁶ From that time many of His disciples went back and walked with Him no more. ⁶⁷ Then Jesus said to the twelve, “Do you also want to go away?”

⁶⁸ But Simon Peter answered Him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? YOU have the words of eternal life. ⁶⁹ Also we have come to believe and know that You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.”^[i]

Analo-gee, I never thought of it that way...

     A few days ago I was pulling out of a parking lot to make a left turn and by accident, cut off another car. I didn't see her and said "i'm sorry", "my fault" and gestures to admit my fault. She held her angry gaze and even after all my admission of guilt, she would not let down her "mad dog" face at me. It was as if I had done her an inexcusable wrong and she was not going to let me off the hook that easy. 

Shortly after this happened I had picture in my mind of how sometimes we view God like that woman. We do something wrong, intentionally or not, admit our guilt and say sorry yet, think God still holds us to his wrath for our wrongdoing when in reality the admission of wrong and guilt is exactly what draws us nearer to God. I am thankful for that reminder. 

Now that I know I can... I will

God has been so good to me. It hasn't been until recently that I have been able to recognize this. Not because he wasn't good to me before but, because I was not fully surrendering and resting in his presence. Everything use to stipulate on how I would feel. I ignored problems, sank in denial and basically hid from any hint of pain. Now, I really do long for what is good and just and in considering all trials pure joy. I use to be limited by my fear of failure, not being good enough. I knew I was creative but just knowing doesn't create, creating creates. By the grace of God, I have adopted an attitude of even if I suck at it, i'll try. And come to find out, I am not as bad as I led myself to believe. God's perfect timing has left me speechless so much recently. He has put art in my heart. I am finding beauty and meaning in everything I come across. Experiences and revelations of a huge world come alive to me when I think about how endless the beauty of the mind and surroundings are. It's  comparative to a child walking through the gates of Disneyland. All is ahead, I just have to take the steps to enjoy the rides. Join me, wont you? :)

Through Thick and Thin



Carlsbad Beach "The Wall"

     As I get older, I realize that my trust and loyalty with people seems to go down and my vulnerability and isolation goes up. I have made friends, lost friends and I have put up a wall that a lot of people do when they have been hurt or hurt others. One friend that I have made and had the priveledge of being estranged from then reuiniting on a few occasions over the past few years is Cindy Fowles. The reason I say I have had the priveledge of being estranged and reuniting is that I can truely say our friendship has gone through the fire ...on more than one occasion and we have a friendship now, that feels sturdy and a bond that isn't paper thin. I feel like we have so many similarities but, we also have strong differences which seem to be what make our friendship so colorful and solid. We understand each others differences. I don't feel it was always that way. We had to go through a lot of arguments, resentments and other "ments" before reaching this place of common understanding but, we are here and I am so thankful for Cindy and our friendship.

Cupcake Love :)

A couple days ago, I got to spend a couple hours with Cindy. Going to Starbucks, lunch, the beach, and having cupcakes together:) Thank you Cindy for your friendship and accepting my faults instead of pointing them out and sticking with me through this sometimes lonely and painful life.  

A Disney Blast from the Past! 3D Edition!

      The first movie I ever saw in movie theater was Beauty and the Beast. The first lunch box I remember having was Beauty and the Beast and I have even looked online and tried to buy the lunch box again for sentimental reasons. Now, I just found out that Beauty and the Beast is back in the theater and in 3D! It has been a while since I have been so eager to see a movie.